Let's move on to the William Morris Agency. I hear they do talent shows and whatever. Here is the very email I will send to a Mister Jeff Lesh, who apparently handles their comedy talent.
Dear Mister Lesh,
I took a look at your webpage and I see that you people handle comedy talent. Well listen: I'm a comedian by the name of Christopher King. I previously performed under the name of Chris King Pop Icon. I fully expected to be arrested or killed by now, but no success there. So it's on to finding an agent! I'm ready to clean up my act and play whatever cruise ships or retirement homes you people place your talent into.
Here are my stats: I am a caucasian male, forty-two years old. I am good looking, I have all my teeth, and my thick head of hair is completely natural. My shoe size is 9, regular width, with no special podiatric requirements of any kind --which is useful for wardrobe people; they don't like messing around with weird feet. I wear a 40 Regular jacket. My trousers are a size 30 with a 32-inch inseam. My penis is a perfectly reasonable five inches erect. (If I am generous with the placement of the ruler and how I define "root," then my length approaches 5.5 inches.) I'm a grower, not a show-er, so this can sometimes cause unthinking comments from others. For this reason, I require my own dressing room. Because I do not have one of those seamstress' measuring tapes, I cannot state with any certainty the precise circumference of my penis. I will say, though, that there is a little slop inside your standard-sized condom. In the movies I see, people's penises fill condoms pretty well, and they even have to stretch them a little bit to get them on. I don't have that problem.
So anyway, if you think that you're interested, please call me at the Rockingham Shell gas station in Rockingham, Vermont. It's in the book.
Yours in Complete Awe at Aallll the Completely Relevant Material We're Handling in This Glorious, New Golden Age of Comedy,
Christopher R. King