--I will always be wearing a white lab coat when someone's demonstrating something, like the latest IPod or latest cellphones or whatever, or if they have a monkey to show off, or if we're doing a cooking segment. I will have an extendable pointer in my pocket that I can take out and extend and point to things I don't understand about the cooking. (Hey: Do you know how you'll sometimes purposefully spaz out when someone's doing something? Like if someone's spending a great deal of effort writing something, you'll walk by and kind of spaz out and accidentally hit their arm so they make a stray mark on their calligraphy project or whatever? Well, during the cooking segments maybe I'll point at what the guest is making in that saucepan over there --"Which one?" "This one over here."--and I'll reach over the stovetop set up on set and I'll accicentally knock our chef's creation on the floor, and then I'll say, "Oh. My. Look what I've done," and I'll bend over to wipe it up and grab onto his crabcakes platter for support and the whole thing just goes on the floor. Big laughs, trust me.)
In short, I always ruin everything with my lab coat and my extendable pointer.
And for the game show segments --whether they be the 3-D Maze of Doom or some sort of Wheel of Fortune guessing game or whatever-- for those who choose poorly (say they unwisely chose Door Number Two or whatever) I can say, "Oh... That's too bad. It seems that you didn't win." (And by the way, I'm always holding an index card for some reason.) But I say, "Well, maybe we've got something for you anyway." So I go over by the desk and get down on one knee and fish around and pull out a cardboard box from under the desk that has been written on the side with marker: "Go ahead and give one of these to the losers."
And there's maybe a roll of paper towels or some knock-off perfume or half-used car wax in the cardboard box and I fob this garbage off on our LOSER and say, "Well, here's your consolation prize. Sure, I know it's not one of the FABULOUS PRIZES you COULD have won, but, you know, it's a consolation prize anyway. [Studio audience moans its lamentation.] ...It's really too bad that you won't be sharing in all that cash and going to cool parties and all that, but... ...you know, maybe this roll of paper towels will cheer you up." And then I glad-hand him and extend an arm toward his seat so that he may promptly return to his nothing existence.
Funny, huh?
...You bet your ass it is...
