I practice here what I call "outcome-based comedy." I have an agenda. I have an endpoint, and the material I deliver today was likely sketched out several years ago. That endpoint I move toward is to leave everyone better off for knowing me.
Now: I do a whole lot of Jew material in this show, and I have for five years now. I do Jew material not because I dislike Jews. Quite the contrary, I value Jews as much as I value anyone else here. And I tell you this not because I am concerned about your opinion of me --at no time will the performer ever concern himself with the thoughts and opinions of his audience; if they knew where he was going with something, then they'd have it all figured out already and there would be no need to attend his show. I tell you this not out of a concern for your opinion of me, but out of a concern for your opinion of yourselves. It does, after all, go against my Prime Directive to leave you worse off for knowing me.
Certain things need saying. And you may rest assured that I mean every last thing I say. But I also need you to know that I what I say is meant to pass through you and on into history. Don't let it linger. The sting is not meant to remain. If what I may say hurts, just remember that sign I stapled up at the door: "Chris loves me with all his heart, and I am a valued member of this audience. No matter my name, I am why Chris gets up in the morning."
I claim a professional detachment from my own material. While I take full responsibility for everything I say here, I need you to recognize that the definition of professionalism is doing things that one may not necessarily enjoy doing. Just because you see a physician breaking someone's arm in an effort to re-set an improperly healed fracture, it does not mean that he holds a personal animus toward his patient. I am a trained professional. I taught myself to play all four movements of Vivaldi's Concerto on my violin, didn't I? I know what I'm doing. Do not question me.
If you are Jewish --or Muslim, for that matter, if I am doing Muslim material-- and if you take personal offense to what I may say, then you need to be elsewhere. This show, obviously, is more than you can handle. Perhaps you need to go watch some TV or otherwise engage in a low-impact activity. The guy with the guitar who sings the funny songs is down the hall.
There are major, major problems in the Jewish community. This cannot be overstated. Much like American society no longer exists, Jewish society no longer exists. As a result of Jewish bankers having commissioned 9-11 and as a result of Israel's prime participation in the event, there no longer exists even the notion of a Jewish identity. It's just so disgusting. The thought of Jews gathering or speaking in public is just so revolting now. Look at this eye-rolling display of perceived victimization at the hands of our Princess' magical, unseen pursuers with their long tongues:
Wow: She's like a pimple that just begs to be popped. I'd love to get her alone and whisper into her ear about how the rabbis fried their am ha'aretz slave Uncle Shmuley for being such a subhuman, Talmud-rejecting pig and how Rabbi Schneerson thought Hitler was just the best and how Israel played an instrumental if not directorial role in 9-11.
If you are Jewish and you encounter such a person in your family or social group, please pull that person aside and whisper into his or her ear, "Uh, no one actually cares anymore. It's played out. You could cry all day long and no one's gonna notice. They're on to us. And as a matter of fact, thanks to Chris, we're on to the rabbis. We now know who our true enemy is --our own high priests. Things are different now. We got some work to do. This is the part where we redeem ourselves."
So I may tap that vein of material a bit more in the coming months, but it's for a reason: I'm going somewhere with it. Just remember that you are a valued member of my audience and when you walk out that door each evening, all that hurt goes away. Don't let it linger. It is not my purpose in life to beat people down.
If you need to now and again, whisper this to yourself: "Chris loves me with all his heart."