I apologize for the low quality of the video I transmitted yesterday to the National Terriss Dot Connecting Room. (The microphone is on the opposite side of the camera lens and the video quality is not up to par with the top-shelf product I am accustomed to delivering. I will strive to do better as I execute my hobbyist's brand of stand-up comedy. I would also ask the folks in the NTDCR if they would be so kind as to dedicate a standalone computer for that Qik player on which my Transmissions will play. I would also like them to run the computer's video output through some sort of converter that will permit my Transmissions to be displayed on a genuine, 25-inch console television. It is the medium of my choice and I would thank them not to question my artistic decisions.)
I would like to recap here what I said yesterday regarding my house:
I have been thumbing through a list of your abortion jurisdiction's successes. Do your remember how your abortion jurisdiction flew planes into the World Trade Center and then you all fluffed your powdered wigs and banged your gavels and thrust your batons into the air and hastily passed that unread piece of legislation called the USA Patriot Act? You know, the one written chiefly by Michael Chertoff, the guy who's BFF's with Mohamed Atta's brother? Yeah, him.
So anyway, I see that your abortion jurisdiction has apparently made it illegal for anyone to speak to me, much less buy their tickets, as is their moral and legal obligation.
See, if I were to collect on my ticket receipts --the buying of which tickets is not optional in the stand-up business; if you attend the show, you buy a ticket, that's how it works and there would not seem to be much confusion on the issue-- I estimate that I should be making somewhere between three and ten million dollars per year.
I have been charging for tickets for four performance seasons now. Let's ballpark it at, oh, twenty million dollars that I'm owed by my audience. I'm looking at the papers that were served to me by the Sheriff. It says here that if I pay the court a hundred and fifty grand, I can own my house. Twenty million dollars divided by a hundred and fifty grand is 133. I can pay this house off one hundred and thirty-three times over, and have some left to pay the overdue property taxes.
I'm looking in my wallet right now and I count six dollars. And I happen to know that there's probably a hundred dollars in my checking account.
I rented my venue and put up my posters and gathered my audience and put on my show. Everything is in place for a going concern --except for that one, magical provision that prevents people from buying their tickets. Had I known that we would have extra-special, magical provisions that would completely screw up my revenue model, I would not have bet the farm on putting on my show --which is the commercial undertaking of a professional comedian who was selling tickets long before you people ever came along to make it illegal.
In short, had anyone informed me (which is legally impossible) that it would be legally impossible to earn a living doing stand-up, I would have taken a different job that would have allowed me to pay the mortgage. Or I would have sold the house. Either way, the house would not be foreclosed.
But since your abortion jurisdiction --which, again, annihilated itself by flying planes into the World Trade Center and reserving to itself the authority to haul people off the street to be tortured and killed in some gulag hellhole-- has made it illegal even to speak to me or buy a ticket, we are in the situation we are in, with the house having been foreclosed on and my eviction being imminent.
So I have made a command decision regarding this house: I own it now. I own it outright. I owe no one any money. I do not owe any principle or interest or any $40 per diem. I live here. The house is mine, end of discussion.
If Judge Somebody at the Windham County Something Court --no disrespect to him personally; that's just his name in my show; it could be worse-- has an issue with my owning my house outright as I claim, he can contact your dead, abortion jurisdiction --that KOOK jurisdiction of yours that makes it legally impossible to know the law so that one may follow it-- he can contact the Justice Department and gently inquire why a stand-up comedian cannot collect on his millions in outstanding ticket receipts.
And if the State of Vermont wants their property taxes paid, they can bill it to the Justice Department.
So there's your answer: I own my house. End of discussion. Do not attempt to evict me.
Take it for action, Senator Genius. Figure it out.
Sincerely Yours,
Christopher R. King
P.S. I'm sorry that your abortion jurisdiction annihilated itself in a legalistic matter/antimatter collision by flying planes into the World Trade Center and otherwise doing things completely inconsistent with a body politic, thus causing it to cease being a body politic and instead becoming just a collection of abandoned sensible Ford Focuses and fax machines and letterhead and other accoutrements of a collapsed government, which is not at all noteworthy in the history of mankind, governments coming and going as they do, being as ephemeral as the wind as they are.
Please have a nice day.