I Grow Weary of Speaking to My Audience

Coming Soon!

Michael Mukasey testifies before the Senate Judiciary Committee! ...Waterworks! Choking up! "...Mr. Leahy, I am outraged that you would ask on what page in the appropriations bill that authorization appears! Ahhh! The pogrom begins! Don't...don't you try to make a banjo skin out of me! I can smell the Jew smoke now! [His eyes roll up in his head and his voice takes on a lower register:] Yes, Dark Lord! Who shall I steal from next?! Help me spin my next lie! [He regains his composure:] ...I'm sorry. Where were we in your persecution of me?"

It's not that I find farting especially funny.

I mean it is, but it's nothing to build a show around.

What I find uproarious is that I can trick you into watching those clips in your expectation that I'm soliciting your opinion on some matter of great import.

So we'll turn it into a game.

"And how fucking dare anyone out there demand that the law be followed!"

"After all they've been through! ...All you people care about is the rule of law! ...They've received assurances as partners in the War on Globa Terra(R)! ...Leave them alone!!!"

(P.S. I suspect that this is a skillfully performed piece by Chris Crocker.)

When logic fails, turn on the waterworks.

Mukasey tears up while trying to revive the ridiculed-into-oblivion "caveman theory" of 9-11:

Bravo. [slow, sarcastic clapping.]

Mister Mukasey, I know you're in my audience. (You'd have to be; I'm Chris King Pop Icon.) According to the formula by which I operate, I publicly show that you have knowledge of the crime. (Since you are in my audience AND I debate well AND I have the facts on my side.) Therefore, when you go and say such silly things, it proves to my audience (including the Future People) that you're in on it. ...Because for you to continue saying such silly things means either that your brain is impervious to logic and facts, or that you are a party to the crime. See how that works? It's a brilliant legal stratagem, as befits my brilliant mind. I planned it that way all along. Now, I'm no lawyer, so I sometimes don't know what words to say or what forms to use, so I don't know what that kind of legal trap is called. But you understand what I'm talking about.

I have proven to the satisfaction of any reasonable person that you are a party to mass murder.

It's fun watching you make like you have any moral authority.

You're a thief and a murderer. Like I said, you are singularly unsuited to the office of Attorney General. One may righteously ignore you. It is as if there were no Attorney General at all.

I have forgiven your people for their role in 9-11. And now I'm pursuing the other guilty parties.

But when I suggest that you "get out in front of this," I didn't mean "spin more lies." Old habits die hard, I know.

And I saw what you had to say regarding telecom immunity:

While Mukasey offered no hint that a compromise is in the works, he said the House proposal does not offer guarantees to the communications industry.

"The people we work with need to know that they can be secure in working with us," he said. "That would introduce the same level of uncertainty that would be introduced by having litigation go on in public...If you tell somebody that you've received assurances, but the propriety of your conduct is now up for grabs, that's not exactly reassuring."

http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/03/mukasey_im_open_to_compromise.php

Assurances? That's not how law works. A thing is either legal or it is illegal. It's pretty clear.

There is no room in law for "assurances." I don't know what kind of law it is you think you're practicing here.

I fear that the next time I turn around, you'll be trying to shoehorn into our system of law something about screwing three-year-old girls and nine-year-old boys, and that the dust from a dunghill cures pleurisy or whatever.

You're in the big leagues now. Try to tighten it up a little bit.

But in any case, know that you possess no legal authority whatsoever, as my audience knows that you are a criminal.

You are a complete joke.

Mister Gonzales, I apologize for everything I ever said. At least you never debased yourself with a bid for an Academy Award.

Gore resorts to ad hominem attacks because his argument doesn't hold water.

(CBS) Self-avowed "P.R. agent for the planet" Al Gore says those who still doubt that global warming is caused by man - among them, Vice President Dick Cheney - are acting like the fringe groups who think the 1969 moon landing never really happened, or who once believed the world is flat.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/03/27/60minutes/main3974389.shtml

I will give this topic a more lengthy treatment soon --and it's long overdue-- but here's something for starters.

All the planets are warming.

Meditate on that for a moment.

Now consider that Al Gore works for the New World Order, that organized crime syndicate that brought you 9-11.

They are seizing upon a natural warming of the planet in order to peddle their snake oil, which is a carbon tax.

What do you exhale? ...Carbon dioxide.

The people who brought you 9-11 are attempting to tax your every breath.

This is an attempt to tax and regulate your right to life.

The Nobel Committee will eventually come to regard their award to Al Gore as a lamentable embarrassment.

Al Gore is a fraud and he knows it. He works for the people who are attempting to enslave you. He's a salesman of poison and nothing more.

...And he knows it.

And I know you know it, Mister Gore.

New opening sequence for my hit TV show.

Music: Almost Crimes (Radio Kills Remix) by Broken Social Scene

A few credits and things on a black screen for a few seconds. The more perceptive among you can guess at what part in the music the scene fades in.

Shots of me walking through Touch Hole Junction kicking over lighting apparatuses of "news" crews and fishing a big ol' booger out of my nose and wiping it on the news camera's lens. (Shot transfers to that of the news camera itself, looking at me straight-on. I wipe with a wet-finger-on-glass squeak sound.)

I need a more metropolitan feel to Touch Hole Junction, so we'll film it in Burlington. (If you people have any silly rules against filming or requirements for dumb licenses or whatever, get rid of them.)

Let's go. I don't have forever.

If there are any drooling turds in my audience--

--which, by a check of my mailbox yesterday, would be all of you-- I would like to remind you that this show is not free.

This is not a blog about my Furby collection and how I had such a rad time at the mall with my friends. This is a professional undertaking. If I am not to be granted entry into television --where, apparently, nothing spicier than a saltine cracker is permitted-- then this show is going to have to pay its way.

So come on, turds. Daddy's gotta pay the light bill. Blow the dust off your wallet and pony up for the entertainment.

Mail me some jumbo at:

Chris King
PO Box 138
Westminster Station, VT 05159

Joe Satriani - Flying in a Blue Dream

I can't quite put my finger on it.

One of the benefits of having a discerning audience is that they can spot things I may not. Watch this through the lens of your respective field of expertise:

I see the Newspaper of Record running a similar story.

The [Los Angeles Times] apologized yesterday for relying on what it now acknowledges were apparently bogus FBI documents that the Times reporter never attempted to verify with the bureau. The story, which tied the 1994 wounding of Shakur to associates of another major rap figure, Sean "Puffy" Combs, prompted threats of legal action from attorneys for Combs and a talent manager implicated in the piece.

"In relying on documents that I now believe were fake, I failed to do my job," Chuck Philips, the story's Pulitzer Prize-winning author, said in a statement. "I'm sorry." Deputy Managing Editor Marc Duvoisin also took responsibility, saying: "We should not have let ourselves be fooled. . . . I deeply regret that we let our readers down."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/03/27/AR2008032700879.html

"In relying on documents that we now believe were fake, we failed to do our job. And now you're getting tased for talking and your veteran husband is missing a leg and he speaks through an amorphous hole in his face and you have to take your shoes off at the airport. ...We're sorry. We should not have let ourselves be fooled. We are going to take a refresher course on this "journalism" of which we hear people speak. We see that there's an eight-hour course at that school in the strip mall, Adult Educations for the Active Adult Lifestyle. We hope to earn back your trust."